Friday, June 29, 2012

Crime & Punishment

I have clear ideas on which punishments suit which crimes.
And since our judicial system is not only slow as frozen molasses, but unimaginative as a doornail, these are my proposals.
(This being my own private universe with unicorns and purple happiness, every single one of these is valid for implementation)

1. If you ride a bike/motorcycle without a helmet - you deserve to have a pigeon crap on your head.

2. If you ride a bike/motorcycle with your helmet balanced on your tank/arm/backrest etc. (anywhere except on your head) you deserve to have a horde of pigeons descend on you and shed feathers after they crap on you.

3. If you are a male driver who bitches about female drivers on the strength of 1 or 2 imbeciles you have encountered, you deserve to be rear-ended by one of them.

4. If you are the kind of female driver who is the reason our entire gender is condemned, then I hope you spill your vanilla latte all over your brand new bag... and shoes. And may pigeons do their thing when you get out of your car to get cleaned up.

5. If you are one of the asshats who takes advantage of this new no-sunfilm thing, to lech at women and basically cause them great discomfort, I hope you get run off the road. And land in slush. Crap would work too.

6. If you are a driver with a 4 wheeler, who splashes unsuspecting pedestrians with dirty puddles, for FUN, I hope you mistake an open manhole/extremely deep pothole for a small puddle. I hope the mechanic rips you off when they tell you that the axle is ruined beyond belief. And may you then step on a lego.

7. If you are a bus driver/auto driver - I don't hope for anything. You are going to burn in hell for all eternity anyway.

There will be more of these soon...

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